Conversation between my 24 year old self and my 34 year old self

(Note: I feel like I should mention that when I wrote this I was in a fairly dark place. Camp life tends to do that to you. Still, it's a good snapshot of where I was that morning. Hope you enjoy.)

I work in Alberta’s Oil Sands.  Like thousands of Canadians I fly in and out of a remote work camp, working fourteen ten-hour days before flying home for a week of rest. In honour of this new turn in my life I’ve been granted an interview with my 24 Year Old Self. For those who didn’t know me then, at 24 I was a recent university grad on a mission to save the world. I literally believed that this was my responsibility. It felt like time was running out and the world was on the edge of disaster. Maybe it still is. I don’t know anymore.

Adam34: Hey there 24 Year Old Adam. The gods of space and time have given us the ability to have a short conversation about your future.

Adam24: What? Holy Crap! This is awesome! Wait, won’t we be messing with the space/time continuum and all that?

Adam34: Well, you won’t have any memory of the conversation, so you’ll continue on the path that leads you to this moment when you’re 34.

Adam24: Woah. Alrighty then. So, what’s going on? Are you happy? Are you back in Newfoundland living on an off the grid eco-farm like we planned? How did the film turn out? I imagine the world ten years from now must be a pretty messed up place! How is the apocalypse?

Adam34: Well, I’m still in Vancouver. I recently became a journeyman electrician. I’m committed to a wonderful woman. I can honestly say that I’m happy. The film? Our grand opus on Capitalism? That didn’t really work out. And the world?  It’s still ticking along buddy. The war and injustice has shifted around a little bit but it’s as messed up as ever.

Adam24: What?! What happened to the film? Are you still trying to save the world? What about our promise to God?

(Note: On September 11, 2001 I made a deal with God that I would spend the rest of my life trying to save the world and he, in return, wouldn’t let another event like 9/11 happen. This promise consumed and directed the next eight years of my life.)

Adam34: Oh boy. Where do I start? Well, the film never really got going. At one point we were close and had $16,000 in funding put together but zigged when we should have zagged and the money got spent on development and writing rather than production. As for our promise to God? Well, that was part of problem. You see, I’ve done a lot of soul searching about that day. For starters, I don’t think that God, if she even exists, is the kind of entity that would hold you to the promise you made. Second, that promise was made in a place of fear and guilt. Everything that came from that moment was driven by those feelings. I’ve learned that intention is so important when you’re working towards something. And, I know that this is hard to hear, but your intentions were in the wrong place. You were being driven by a poisonous mix of fear and guilt with an unhealthy dose of ‘wanting to be famous’ mixed in. Eventually it made us deeply unhappy but we were so committed to the idea we couldn’t see it. One day (May 12, 2008) we got up and looked in the mirror and something inside us finally snapped. I let go of ‘the promise.’ The feeling of relief was incredible. I walked outside and felt the sun for the first time in years.

Adam24: …. I don’t know what to say. You mean everything I’m working towards will be for naught? I’m just wasting my time dedicating my life to saving the world?

Adam34: Well, you’re not wasting your time. Everyone should try and fuck shit up in their twenties. Also, my past failures are the most valuable thing I own. I learned a lot about myself, how I think and how my brain works. I learned a tremendous amount about project management and teamwork. You’re a creative guy Adam. Right now, as always, I have about half a dozen different ideas cooking in the back of my brain. The only difference between me and you is present day Adam has a better idea of what motivates him and what he can actually finish. For example, we recently finished a first draft of a novel. I found the whole experience incredibly enjoyable.

Adam24: Fuck me that’s a lot to absorb…. What’s the novel about?

Adam34: It’s about a High School chemistry teacher who starts to cook Meth once he gets diagnosed with lung cancer.

Adam24: Wow, that’s a great idea!

Adam34: I know. I’m glad I thought of it before anyone else.

Adam24: What do we do for money? You said you’re an electrician?

Adam34: So, brace yourself, but I work for Exxon Mobil now.

Adam24: WHAT! Are you fucking kidding me? I cannot imagine any future where I end up working for Exxon. Exxon is the worst. They embody everything we hate about Capitalism and Corporations!

Adam34: Well, when you spend most of your twenties ‘trying to save the world’ and buying the things you need to ‘save the world’ with credit cards you have to make some hard choices in your thirties. And I don’t work for Exxon directly. I work for a company that works for a company that works for a company that works for the Canadian branch of Exxon. Three weeks out of the month I live in a remote work camp in Northern Alberta with 6000 other workers. It is an insane place and not unlike a prison.

Adam24: Fuck you 34 Year Old Adam. You’re a sell out!

Adam34: So angry! Fuck you too you righteous little prick. I just spent the past five years paying for your adventures. You think you’re better than me? I remember that feeling. It feels so good to know you're better then everyone. To have ‘The Answer’. Well, guess what kiddo, the world is not a black and white place. The problem with your activism is that it was really about your own insecurity. It made you feel better to judge others and ‘be in the right.’ Well, life is more complicated than that. No one is better than anyone else. We’re all just imperfect humans trying to get by. You want to make the world a better place? Get a real job and take care of yourself first. It’s hard to make positive change when you’re always worried about rent.

Adam24: Dang bro… did it have to be Exxon?

Adam34: I know. It’s particularly ironic. Sorry if I was harsh there, but I have some feelings of anger towards you. Just so you know, I am still trying to make the world a better place. I just go about it in smaller ways. And that doesn’t mean I can’t go back to larger ideas in the future. I just have to make sure I’m paying the bills at the same time.

Adam24: I wish I could remember this conservation and save myself years of grief.

Adam34: I wish you could too dude. I wince when I think about the years you’re about to spend pursuing an idea you’re not genuinely interested in. I guess it works out in the end. Oh, the gods of time and space are giving me the times up signal.

Adam24: Don’t forget about me future Adam! Stay righteous!

Adam 34: Will do past Adam, you take it easy ok. Maybe don’t spend so much time on ideas you come up with while you’re high.

Adam24: Copy that. See you in ten years.